nightmares

I am sorry that you had those dreams Jess. It can leave you feeling very confused and you start to over think what they may mean. You have been doing so well at moving on with your life and putting you and your beautiful children first, you are the most important person and your happiness comes first. I think you would feel no different if he admitted what he did, because it doesn't change the fact that he did it. You are better than that and you deserve SO much more than that. You are a beautiful, kind, fun and caring person and I know that your life is on the up and that you are going to have a bright future full of happy memories.

OH Jess, sorry about the nightmares. They do seem to sometimes come out of the blue for no reason that we can think of. I've been having nightmares again, but it's from the trial coming up, I'm sure. Like you, I just want to be moving on and after this trial is done, I feel like I will truly be able to do that!!

I hope being here has helped to not feel so much like you did when you woke up today!!!

Hugs, Suzee

I'm so sorry you have to deal with nightmares. I know them well and they do come out of nowhere and can through you off track, easily.

For me, the worst where the 'dreams' where everything was great. I'd dream that my ex and I were happy again and we were in love....blah blah. I'd actually feel it too (in the dream).

Then I'd wake up and have about 5 seconds to feel it before I realized it wasn't real.
I'd rather have a nightmare. At least I don't miss the feeling of terror once I wake up.

It's crazy how things get manifested into dreams. I had a similar dream about 2 months even before my relationship ended. I dreamt I was in bed when he walked in with a strange woman. They were both laughing and having a good old time. And they knew I was there! When I asked him who she was was, he told me they were just friends. They sat down on a small sofa in a corner of the room and started to kiss. I jumped up and demanded she leave, but they just laughed at me. The dream ended with me physically throwing her out and him running out to be with her. I woke up with the loneliest and emptiest feeling. I felt out of sorts all that day. I never told him about the dream. He knew I had been suspicious for months prior. Of course he has still never admitted anything and I don't believe he ever will. I guess that dream was telling me what I already knew was going to happen. It's only been a week for me and I have my ups and downs. For the most part I am proud of myself for being strong, staying busy, and dealing with my sadness well. But of course wham! something makes me think of him and I feel very sad, scared, empty, going through what-if's, missing him. It's SO hard, but I force myself to get through it. I try not to dwell and let it replace my feelings of acceptance of the situation and my goal of getting to a better place emotionally. I know that's when I have to be strongest, pick myself up afterwards and just keep moving forward. I hate those times! Just think of it as another hurdle to jump over on our way to being in a much better place. It must be normal if I'm going through the same feelings and ups and downs. Stay strong and continue on your progress. Just know you're not alone. We will survive this and in the end will be much healthier and happier. Hope you feel much better.

How are you today Jess?

good i spent the weekend at my dads with my boys, which is always nice :)

Dreams are strange. It seems like, for me my subconscious mind seems like it processes stuff before and after my waking mind. I'd like to think it's just my brain taking out the trash :). Hope you are happier today :)

Taking out the trash is a really cool way to look at the nightmares!! That's what I'm going to try to tell myself when I have the next one!!!

Hope everyone's doing well and I hope you didn't have anymore nightmares Jessica!

Big hugs, Suzee

Took a nap with my boys today and ended up having TONS of new nightmares... more detailed ones this time... about my husband and the woman he was with... in my dream I had to go pick things up from their house that they somehow had together, they weren't there... just their friends and roomates... lots of really bitchy snobby people who looked like models... and I was taking a bunch of stuff that was mine or that was ours but I had got him to agree to give to me and HER best friend was teher being REALLY mean and bitching about me and about me taking everything that should be hers since he worked to pay for it and he loved her now and they were starting their life together so it should be hers and blah blah blah...

I had my friends and family with me but they were all busy packing stuff into a big moving trick and the best friend somehow tricked me into getting into a car with her and she drove off with me to go to where the girl was... I was telling her I wanted my mom to come with me but she just kept driving with this smirk on her face...

suddenly we were in Europe somewhere in some big fancy house on a hill and I met this group of gorgeous hip young peopel just hanging around being "cool" and happy and stuck-up they all looked at me like I had shit on my face or something and I met "her" Grandpa who didn't understand who I was and for some reason I started painting with him and I was trying hard ot show I was good at something and then she was there and she came up to me and she kissed me on both cheeks and she looked nothing liek the actual girl... the actual girl was slightly... not chubby, but softer... with curly shorter blonde hair... perfect;ly normal looking...

but this "her" was this young Italian chick... tiny, petite, olive skin, with long flowing wavy dark hair and gorgeous eyes, calm and confident about herself and her life and her position with my husband... she was "the winner" and I just stood there feeling liek a huge lumbering ugly giant and I can't remember what else happened...

I woke up feeling horrible about myself and about him and about the situation.

The whole dream was about me feeling not good enough... not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not cultured enough, not worthy... in the dream I kept reminding myself that it didn't matter who she was because he was still HIM and he wasn't any of those thinsg either... he was still drunk and drug addict who lies and cheats and steals and takes advantage of everyone and this girl no matter WHO she was was being used by him and eventually she would be sorry she knew him...

I woke up and reminded myself that I also know that those things aren't true about me... I'm a perfectly average looking woman who has an education, who has traveled, who cares about people and things that happen in this world... and she is an alcoholic (which I know alone doesn't make her a bad person) who has thrown her own family away, who has a criminal record, enables my husbands addiction in order to sustain her own mental illness... she gambles too much and holes up with other women's husbands in hotel rooms... she is in no way better than me...

rationally I know their relationship is f---'d up... and that most probably has ZERO chance of surviving and even if it DID, who cares because I don't "want" him because he's a disaster who was hurting me... but in my heart this man who was my husband... this absolute loser... didn't think I was good enough for HIM... and this skanky bitch still stole my husband... how is that SUPPOSED to make me feel... of COURSE my self esteem has taken a huge hit.