lost

I am so lost right now. I thought I was in a healthy friendship that could possibly grow into something more. We truly were in a 50/50 kind of thing until I lost my job and apartment. Now I'm feeling like a live in babysitter and to top things off due to my past experiences I find it impossible to trust her. I would do anything for this friend and truly would give her my heart, but I feel she knows that and doesn't care. I wind up wondering what is wrong with me and why I don't measure up. I am just so tired of being alone and when I get feeling this way I do things like cut myself. I cut myself pretty good this morning and it really only made me feel stupid. Why would I assume that harming myself and not being able to express why I am doing it is going to solve anything. Harming myself solves nothing anyway.
Is it too much to ask that someone love me? I know I have a plethora of mental illness issues and am not always the easiest person to be around. My depression can ruin the mood of anyone around me and it disgusts me to know that. I am for the most part happy with me except when I am in a depressive cycle, who can be happy then, so why should I not be able to be happy with someone else. I feel like I am a complete person but I long to be loved and wanted. If only someone could look past all of the crap that I deal with and suffer from and love me I would truly be happy. I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. I long for what I dreamed of when I was married. Sometimes I wonder if screwing that up means I screwed myself out of ever being happy. They say there is someone out there for everyone, but I just have a hard time beleiving all of that. Anyway this is really just a cry out and vent because I know that I am not alone in this. I just feel alone in crowded places and crowded in empty rooms if that makes any sense.