I just don't know......

I'm not sure that any of this points to codependency, but it does seem like you and your husband have come to a stalemate, either you give him another chance or you walk away. I would highly encourage you to consider individual therapy to help deal with the traumas of your past. Bottom line you need to do what is best for you, for so long men you have trusted have lied and taken advantage of you, now is the time to decide what you want out of life and who you will allow to remain in it.

So glad you found the site and I wish you strength to make a very challenging decision.

-CK

I agree with CK, I can not say that your relationship is an example of co-dependency. A classic definition of codependency is:
"unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others".
It doesnt sound like u are sacrficing your needs for him or enabling him in any way to continue with his porn addiction....what u wrote, to me sounds quite different- that you do not want to tolerate his addiction and his promise to stop is bringing up the trusts issues that you have with him and those in your past. You have every right to ask for what you want and need ...if he is unable to do this, or makes false promises, then you have every right to find someone who will meet your emotional needs. If his addiction is something you are not willing to tolerate, which you should NOT have to, then you are setting a strong and a clear boundary- wonderful job. This is an addiction and if he can not actively show you he is trying to get help or is abstaining from porn, then you have every right to let him know that the consequences of his behavior...whether that be time apart, seperation, or even divorce...etc. If you can, I would suggest seeing your own counselor, particularly someone who specializes in trauma.

Warmly,
Kellie Montgomery< LMFT

Thank you Kellie and CK. I do know what I want in my life and I wont settle for less. I know that I do not want pornography in my life and that I do not want somebody who will disrespect me by lying and hiding. I have come to terms with my past and do not want it to keep being repeated. Now I just need to figure out do I stay in a relationship and take the gamble that he may or may not be telling me the truth and this does not come up again in a couple of years. I will keep getting help on my end because I want to make sure that whatever decision that I come to it is a smart rational one that I did not just rush to. Thanks again guys I really appreciate the advice.

Ann

my spouse & I have had a very disturbing, drug anchored relationship for almost seven years now- we do drugs together & then we hate one another- & after all this time I feel almost like there is nothing left to salvage- we have a tendenancy to just stay because of the companionship or the history, hell I don't really know at this point- we have been basically on meth all this time- but we came to another state not only to go backwards but I am dealing with the fact that he has developed a porn addiction as well as he has began to inject heroine!!!! I am livid.. he also has been lying to me for months on end now about it! I knew it all along- but he refused to admit it!! I have never been so up & down with my emotions in my life!! I cannot fathom why he would want to add another element of destruction to our lives.. I am now trying to work on getting myself better so that I can maybe be an influence on him because I can't continue this way- we are both miserable & we are literally living one day at a time- I want the rest of my life to mean something- I want my future to have a DIFFERENT ending... I don't want to let go, but I don't want to watch him totally wither away- into the agony of the hell fire that he has lit

Hey wannalivebetter,
Man that is rough. I hope that you can get the help that you need for your addiction to drugs because you should not have to live this way. You may or may not be an influence on him but that should not change your decision to get better for yourself. You don't want to live this way then don't. That is something that I am keeping as my mentality to get me through my bump in the road. I have sacrificed and gave up a lot for my husband and if he cannot give up or get the help that he needs for this then I am not going to stay in this relationship. I am damned if I settle for anything less than that. I am all about me now and what I want out of my life, and who I want to be. If you ever need anyone to talk to just shoot me a message.

Ann

Hello, my quick comment. 90% of men in America apparently watch porn. I became Muslim 14 years ago. My hubby also converted. Most religious men who say they are actively religious disagree with porn. There are many Muslim men who do not watch porn. Some do though. I have found that many of the Muslim men don't have femal friends, don't chat with women etc as it is an integral part of their belief. They have only such interactions with women permissable to them (wife, close family etc)