All my life

By music79 on Fri, 02-17-12, 10:23

Posted in Group:

Codependency

Ever since I can remember, I have been codependent on men. I've never been married, no kids and am 32. I jump into the relationship because I don't want to be alone and I financially strap myself when I am with them, I use my hard earned money to help them with bills they can't pay themselves because I want to help, I didn't work one time for over 2 years taking care of a mans kids to help him, I take on their life, instead of my own. What I eat, when I work, when I sleep, what I watch on tv.....the list could go on and they have all the control. I even got to a point where I couldn't make a simple decision without their input because I was afraid of their reaction. I make that man feel like he is so great, loving, funny, and deserves to be treated with respect....but I end up not taking care of myself. I found myself waiting around for them. For example: when I got sick of taking care of them and decided to do things for me it was questionable to them. They would say they were supportive, but I would get the question "well, you're going to the gym AGAIN, and what time are you gonna be home?" So, I would stop doing things for me and go right back to them. Never learning my lesson. In the end of these relationships, these men ended up not being good for me anyway for many reasons whether it was money management, or some kind of addiction they weren't ready to change, but Im learning why I chose them. I've done this since I wanna say 13 years old. Wow, almost 20 years of chasing love and respect without regard for me!!!!

What the hell was I thinking all these years???? I'm so angry at myself for letting it happen! NO MORE!!! I deserve to have what I want!!! Its time to think about me, and what I want and what interests me. I want to eat what I want, when I want.....you get the point! I want to have my own schedule without a man! I want to live MY life first....Wow, freeing feeling to knowing that I come home to just me.

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By needserioushelpamy on Fri, 02-17-12, 11:04

Thank you so much for sharing that... I was with a man for seven years. He knows me... we know each other. okay and I'm addicted to him. to be honest. He broke up with me because he found out I had a guy friend. This guy is TRULY a friend, I did not tell my bf about him because he thinks I'm cheating on him if I have a friend that is a guy. (Although he had already known that I had contact with him)....

Now, I am sooo broken. I feel like I have nothing. I am filled with emptiness, regret, hopelessness. I want to be more like you music79.

I gave him everything, everything, my heart, my life, even my soul.

The thing that hurt the worst was he called me a liar, a cheat, a thief, a whore... because of who this old guy friend of mine is.

I can't stop picturing me putting a knife into my neck. I feel so so so hurt. Like I could never ever love again, if this is truly what he thinks of me after I was as good as I could possibly be to him for all these years. (I gave of myself as you did music79.

Thanks for listening and any advice or support would be GREATLY appreciated

Support Points: 30

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By music79 on Fri, 02-17-12, 21:30

call a suicide hotline or go to the emergency room if you keep having thoughts of suicide. I went to an emergency room in 2010 because of suicide thoughts and im glad i did they will help u calm down and come back to who u r. please tell me u will get help.

Who give a rats ass about him. its about u now.

Support Points: 100

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By noname73 on Mon, 02-20-12, 19:18

I totally identified myself, with you I just got separated about three months ago, after 12 years, before I married him I was independent, but somehow with men I always want to be what they want, please them. You know, I feel lost, I'm so dependable of him, that I don't even know what to do now, I have three kids and when they are gone, I can't breath, I need to find my way, I can't be alone, I could do many things or go places but I can't by-myself, I just can't literally, I'm at home, and I dont know what I want to watch on tv, or what movies, or I have homework and I Can't concentrate, this is horrible to admit, but I have not mind on my own, I didn't work my whole marriage because he wanted that I dedicate myself to the kids, he would make all the decisions around the house and even I didn't agree nicely I always did everything he wanted, how can I find my way, I know I'm the only one to find the answer, but until then I'm going crazy. And not like you, I don't know what to eat, I want to find this freedom, my ex is giving me, because it was his desicion to go and leave kids and myself, but now what?

Support Points: 10

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